Honestly, Beautifully : honey blade

2002-09-19 - 12:50 p.m.

Remember I said I loved having housemates? Last night I found another reason to love it :)

Some background info first of all. Matt and his two friends - called Joey and Danny - all know this guy called Andrew. Matt went out with him briefly and he was living with Joey, but I'm not sure how Danny fits into the picture. Anyway, long story short, Andrew owes Matt about �1000 and owes Joey only a small amount less. And he ain't paying up. Not only to Matt and Joey, but on any of his debts, it seems; there have been bailiffs around here to repossess Andrew's property, except the only stuff of his that's still here is five bags full of assorted clothes that he's not likely to ever come and collect. Probably because if he ever does show up, Matt'll kill him a few times over.

So. Anyway. Last night I came home from work to find Matt and Danny walking around the kitchen holding a green, frog-shaped slipper. You know, one of those novelty ones, but not cute in any way, shape or form. I walked in the door, Matt looked at me and said "please tell me you have a lighter or some matches!"

Yep, they were going to make some burnt offerings. Presumably to the god of Make-The-Bastard-Pay-Me-Back.

So, anyway. The slipper was taken outside and placed on the garden wall while I went to find my lighter. Found it was empty but I refilled it. Since I have a big tin of lighter fluid I figured it might be interesting to douse the sacrificial slipper in the stuff.

If, at this stage, you're wondering why I was getting so involved when I've never met Andrew and have nothing against him, it's simply because there was going to be fire. I'm a little pyromaniac at heart, and going out with Neko for the last year and a half has only made it worse. Besides which, I know how frustrating it is to have someone owe you money and pretend the debt doesn't exist, so I have to sympathise.

So, anyway, at Danny's insistence some lighter fluid went on the slipper's eyes, and I squirted its back too. Matt got a bit of newspaper and we lit it, then shoved it in the bit where your foot would go. Then we watched.

It didn't seem to do too much at first but soon the stuffing at the front burned through and the flames began to move towards its head. Eventually the lighter fluid on the eyes caught on fire and we watched as a little line of flame moved across the eyes and down the back. Before long the whole thing was in flames. We then noticed that something was dripping down the side. Of course, the plastic spots on the bottom of the slipper had melted and were now dripping down the side of the wall. It stopped doing that beyond a certain point and the flames began to die down just enough for us to see the stuffing melting on the inside. It gave off lovely heat, actually, if you were on a desert island in the middle of the night you'd be grateful for one of these slippers.

Anyway, eventually the flames died out and we left the carcass on the wall. Joey was out, see, and we didn't want to obliterate the carcass before he could see it. It held together pretty well, actually, and there was this little ridge of fur that had managed to survive at the back, so after Joey had seen it and we'd all had a laugh, the ashes were scattered and the furry ridge now has pride of place above the kitchen sink. The possibility of sending it to Andrew with a "you're next" type note came up, but it's more fun to keep it in the kitchen.

When we torch the other slipper, I'm going to take pictures. Hee!

Anyway, there are a couple of lessons to be learned from this: firstly, don't get your novelty slippers anywhere near open flames because they aren't stuffed with flame retardent fabric. Secondly, don't pretend your debts don't exist or there shall surely be fire.

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